I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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