she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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