I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
