Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
