I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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