He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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