you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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