apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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