The maid of honor just puked.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Randomize
