Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just gift wrapped bread.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
