Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
