i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
