Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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