i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
