Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We left the knife in your bed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
