his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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