Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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