I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i've created a new STD.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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