now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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