im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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