Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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