i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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