If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
