dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
