mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have fence marks all over my body
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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