i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
