I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
