if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
