last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
