Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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