I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
