You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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