i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
