I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
