Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
