I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
