It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
