so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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