Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
