Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
