to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
