My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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