Someone shit on the floor
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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