So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
