Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
