You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
