I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
