not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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