wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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