You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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