so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
