dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
